By: Dr. Matt Kreinheder
8 min read

Turkey Day is this week. Politics are on almost everyone’s mind. Everyone has opinions and values. It’s likely that those values and opinions are going to be different among these people you’re spending the day with. Family bonds are precious, but the energy and emotion is high. What will you do?

First, why are we talking about this? What does this have to do with spiritual awakening? As the adage goes… “if you think you’re enlightened, go have a meal with your family. ”More importantly we are seeing bonds of society at all levels including the family level break down. Sometimes that is right and necessary, but it’s still a loss. If we can minimize division and maximize healthy connection, that is a worthy pursuit.

This is designed to give some strategies for how to deal with this conversation when it inevitably comes up. This article is not espousing a “side,” I’m not suggesting that any politician is good or bad. This is an article about praxis.

tl:dr

This is about

1. Knowing your desired outcome for the conversation

2. Personal awareness and command of the process known as “trigger”

One known feature of people on the spiritual path is that as they awaken, they become more sensitive. Sensitive to themselves, others and seeking more care, peace and harmony in their relationships. My assumption is that your priority, if these conversations come up, is in maintaining relationships not “proving someone wrong” or “cancelling” people. Given that relationships, especially family, should be enduring bonds we continue to work on (when they are healthy), and politicians are both far removed from us and outside of our sphere of control, it is good to preserve relationships given they are sufficiently healthy and generative. If they are not enduring and healthy that is a subject for a different article.

If I were to write a “clickbait” title it would be this:

Fighting About Politics with Your Family is Stupid. Here’s What to Do Instead.

Given that these conversations will likely surface at some point, here is a useful frame:

What do I want out of this conversation?

Most common answers at their very core, albeit often unconscious are

1. To be heard or valued

2. To feel connected

The goal, then, is to decide if those are true and move them into conscious awareness. If that is the case, then the opportunity is to hold a conversation in a way that the entire goal is to stay connected first and be heard second.

The trick is that the person you are speaking to probably has the same unconscious motivations. If you disagree with their opinions, the CONTENT of what you want to be heard is likely to be very different.

One great way to do this is to turn it into a game – if the goal is to stay connected, you don’t have to agree with the content of what the other person is sharing. This works into the goal of staying connected AND being heard. You will never stretch their perspective if you cannot create rapport. If you have the same beliefs, rapport is rapid. If you have different beliefs, you need to build rapport.

The best way to do that is to ask questions.

Some Useful Questions:

• “Interesting, why is that important to you?”

• “I never thought of that way, what do you think happens if that comes to pass?”

• “Huh, I think what I’m hearing in what you’re saying is that (he, it, they) are going to create more safety, is that what you’re seeing too?”

The rapport is the most interesting thing. How can I create more rapport and connection? In many cases, this is a long game. I’ve had lots of conversations with people I disagree with and just listened to their perspectives, come to understand their values and reinforced that we have the same values even though we don’t agree on how they should be manifestly deployed in the world (a la, governance).

Then, on to being heard. Being heard (if perspectives, opinions and values differ) can only been done when there is sufficient rapport. As mentioned, that must be given before it can be expected.

Once there is enough connection and rapport you can start to ask different types of questions.

“I love what you’re saying here, because I can feel where it’s coming from.
I see it a little differently, are you interested in hearing that?”

You might see the mechanism here:

• Reinforce: I love what you’re saying here because I feel where it’s coming from

• Preface: my opinion is a little different

• Ask for consent: can I share that with you?

This disarms most people. Why? It’s honest, caring and authentic. And it’s a test. You’re testing to see how well you can share and how that will be received.

Again. The first goal is connection. If you share your perspective, worldview or opinion and they can’t handle it (get awkward, uncomfortable, angry, incendiary) then you know, there isn’t enough capacity to hold an additional perspective.

Great! We have data. We now know that there isn’t enough space to receive another perspective. Even if that is the case, you can still maintain connection. If they push back….

“You know you might be right, I guess we’ll find out. How’s work going?”

I will push a subject change in (how’s work going) because of the “dog with a bone” phenomenon. Once a person’s limbic system is activated, they are going to seek completion. For those who are unaware of their internal state or have a high anger drive, that will be argumentation and “beating you” so they can protect the sanctity of their worldview.

That’s a win-lose. They feel vindicated because they preserved their worldview, but you lose because your goal was connection. If you lose your desire for connection and just return fire and go full argumentative scorched earth on them you’ve created a lose-lose. The only winner is the reptilian limbic system – that deep part of our brain that is activated as the “fight” side of fight/flight.

This is an advanced practice. It requires that you have the internal awareness and discipline to notice a trigger and not give into it. You can notice the process of nervous system tightening and the limbic system activating and you can maintain presence and hold the desired outcome – maintaining connection. But you must remember that step 2 (being heard) can only happen after step 1 (feeling connected) has been established.

If someone only has the capacity to create connection, but not enough space to hear you, connection alone is a win. Remember, “oh, I’d rather not talk about that today” is a valid answer. They might poke a little bit, but a loving redirect “I’m really excited about this turkey, I heard Aunt Margie deep fried it this year!” is valid, allowed and clever.

Bonus round:

For those who are advanced in both their personal and spiritual development. Can you love this person even more despite disagreeing with them? Can you get so interested in what they want and what they believe and the passion with which you believe it, that you find them even more compelling, and you love them even more (again, example: family). I find the best way to do this is to get down to the VALUES of what they believe. If they believe deporting immigrants is good and you don’t, why is it good?

Perhaps for them It creates more law and order (whether true or not).It creates more safety for families. It provides citizens of this country with more opportunities. Again, it doesn’t matter if you agree. Even if they are objectively wrong - your goal is to authentically (not performatively) love them even more.

My thinking process might be

• This person wants families to be safe – that is both fundamentally good and beautiful.

• This person wants citizens of this country to have opportunities to thrive – I love that!

• This person wants there to be objective fairness based on people following the law – I can see the conviction and love in that, even if I disagree on if it could ever work.

….end scene….

If this is creating a lump in your throat, a knot in your gut or a tightening in your jaw, it’s a good sign this needs practice first. That is all okay. We all need to learn how to listen to our body, hear our triggers and calm our limbic system.

Politicians come and go, family does not. I’m not suggesting you harm yourself to “play nice” with people who are being nasty. I’m suggesting you know what you want out of the day and the interactions you choose to participate in.

Enjoy your turkey. You got this.